N.P.P. – 19 December 2012
The big man in red and white is down, critically shot while on his annual rounds, according to information released only moments ago. Doctors say Mr Claus, commonly known as Santa, is now resting in a stable condition after undergoing hours of complex life-saving surgery.
Police are still trying to determine the exact flow of last night’s tragic events, but it appears that when the well-known anthropomorphic personification entered a house via the usual route, he was confronted by the house owner and subsequently shot at close range with a firearm.
Authorities are unwilling to divulge the exact location of the shooting, but have confirmed it was somewhere in the United States and that the shooter is cooperating with the investigations, as are the elves that accompanied Mr Claus on the fateful trip. A related statement contained a quote from the shooter, apparently a father of three: “I don’t know how to explain this to my children. It was an accident, I was just trying to keep my family safe.”
During a brief restricted press conference, Mrs Claus expressed her shock. She noted that “[…] throughout our centuries of work, nothing like this has ever happened. Of course, we’ve had near misses with little children around the house spotting my husband at work, but never has he or any of his team encountered any threat or violence. It’s simply dreadful. It’s a miracle he wasn’t killed.”
In a truly professional manner but still clearly emotional, Mrs Claus added: “Naturally the usual Christmas preparations will proceed, auxiliary elves have been drafted in to cope with the additional workload.”
To prevent noise and crowds from hindering Santa’s recovery, the good old man’s location is being kept under wraps. Wishing well cards and letters will be picked up by elves, ensuring they will get to their intended recipient.
There remain a number of pressing but wholly unanswered questions at this stage. Will it be feasible for Mr Claus to continue his charitable operation in the United States, considering the now obvious risks related to his work? Will his insurance be willing to cover him and the elves? Time will tell.
Meanwhile, children and adults alike will be relieved to know that Santa, barring any complications, is expected to make a full recovery from this ordeal. He might have a few words to say about it, too.